When I first started my site I had just had Ryan or was about to have her… I don’t remember. My plan was to document life of a new mom with all of those cute moments and little struggles you see on social media and in movies. However my experience at the beginning was rough. When it came to breastfeeding it was hard right out of the gate. Supply issues. Infections. Latching. More infections. It got to a point where I was taking prescriptions AND vitamin supplements to boost my supply…17 pills a day. I was pumping all the time when she wasn’t latched on and mentally I was destroyed. At around 3 months we made the call it wasn’t worth it. I had built this story up in my head that I HAD to breastfeed at all costs. Unfortunately the costs included my mental health and also TIME that I could have spent with my new baby. I learned… or so I thought.
Fast forward to Logan. We thought it was a good latch only to discover a tongue AND lip tie. Supply issues. Infection but this time things for better. I didn’t take supplements… my supply did come in. We still supplemented with formula but overall we were in a rhythm that worked. Until now. He hasn’t been staying on long even though there is milk there (yes I check). Then he got sick so with a stuffed up nose nursing became more uncomfortable for him. Which meant my supply started to dwindle. I pumped today to see where I am at and to be honest pumping was never great for me but even more heart breaking when I couldn’t even get half an ounce. It happened again. I’ve dried up.
I told myself before he was born that if I get 2 months of feeding it was a win..so why does the idea of giving up feel so wrong.
Update: I saved this blog as a draft on January 31 – and since then have come to the decision of giving up on breastfeeding. I still feel some crazy Mom guilt – but my boy is growing, happy and thriving. There are many benefits to breastfeeding and as much as I wish that I could provide that for my baby it just wasn’t happening. I re-read my breastfeeding battle blog from when I had Ryan and it took me back to those feelings and to be honest – full on depression. I choose my mental health. There isn’t ANYTHING I can do at this point that would bring my supply back at least nothing that wouldn’t cause stress and take time from my kids. To any Mom out there that is struggling with feeding – you did your best and as shitty as it is sometimes it just doesn’t work out. While it has only been about a week since I said no more…the guilt is starting to subside. It just wasn’t in the cards for us and that is OK. It’s OK.
Toni Ross 